The Trust Crisis: Forgive or Forget?

Trust takes us years to build… but only a few seconds to break.  But can trust truly be repaired in a relationship?  You can’t truly love without trust.  We have all had partners, parents, children, siblings and friends… and at some point in our lives, the issue of trust has been diminished.  Some relationships can be mended, depending on the severity of the fracture in our faith.  But for other relationships, it is best to move on and start afresh… allowing both parties to heal.  But how does one decide what to do?

Trust is an emotional and logical act.  It is where we expose our vulnerabilities to people and believe that they will not take advantage of our honesty and openness.  Trust is a feeling… that we associate with love, friendship, comfort and relaxation.

A person who is trustworthy is considerate of others and cares for their wellbeing.  When you trust someone, you believe in them.  Trust also means that you know what is best for yourself and believing that you are worthy of trust.

trust-1418901__340

To trust… is to be honest and believe that you would never hurt your significant other, and to care deeply for them and their broken or painful past.  A desire to protect their esteem and believe in them.

To trust… is to know that your parents have your back and they love you unconditionally.  A belief that you are accepted just the way you are and that they are proud of you, your personality and your achievements.

To trust… is to raise your children into kind and loving adults, trusting that they will make their own mistakes in life, without harm.  It is believing that they will learn from these mistakes and we continue to love them unconditionally.

To trust… is to respect our siblings and be mindful of their feelings and to accept personal perceptions.  A family connection to help each other, encourage them, but also give them the space that they need.

To trust… is to have a friend that you can confide in, someone you trust in sharing your private thoughts.  They are your “confidante”, the keeper of your secrets and someone you can be yourself around.

Sometimes in our lives, whether it be bad judgement, outside influences or a mistake… trust can be broken.  Then we are left to evaluate, whether our trust has been misplaced or misunderstood.  I don’t believe the question is “should we trust again?”… but “how do we build trust so our relationships can grow and thrive?”.

directory-466935__340

Communication is the biggest factor.  Communicating your expectations early and understanding the needs of your partner, is the foundation for building a long-lasting relationship.  To be in love with your partner, trust must be present.  Any relationship that is not built on a secure foundation of trust… will ultimately break.

Similarly, friends can disappoint you, if your concerns are not communicated clearly and a greater sense of trust has not been developed.  Trust is the single most important component of any healthy relationship.  If trust does not exist, you are unable to get close to that person and rely on them for support.  Without trust, you cannot be vulnerable and reveal your hopes, dreams and worries.

After trust has been broken, the key is to decide if the relationship is worth repairing and if trust can be restored in time.  The degree, as to which the trust has been compromised, will determine the action to be taken.  And as each person is unique, the decision will vary for all.  Some trust issues are deal-breakers and unable to be restored.  But other trust issues are repairable and worth it.  The key is knowing what is best for you…each and every one of us are worthy and it is for us to decide for ourselves.

fear-441402__340

Sometimes, we need to make that decision to walk away and accept that our happiness is more important and we deserve better.  If trust will never be restored or will always be a major hurdle… then moving on is the answer.

Sometimes, the relationship is worth it or the trust issue can be resolved in time… that we can accept the mistake and try to rebuild the relationship again.  To build trust or re-build trust in any relationship we need to:

  • Earn It – Stop taking trust for granted and make it a priority in our relationships.  This will allow us to be conscious of our actions and understand how our partner or friend will perceive our actions.
  • Be Supportive – In a stage of building trust, being supportive of each other is of utmost importance.  Each party needs to feel that they can take a risk, make mistakes or try new things… and have the support that they both need.
  • Keep Secrets – Rather than keeping secrets from each other, instead keep secrets “for” each other.  Personal conversations in a vulnerable state, bring a sense of connection through this sort of trust.
  • Be Vulnerable – Allow yourself to be open and really honest when sharing things that you often keep hidden.  The ultimate sign of trust is allowing the other person into your emotional world and sharing your inner thoughts.
  • Do Not Judge – Although you might not understand why something is important to your partner or friend… but the fact that it is important is all that really matters.  We all have a history and a tangled web of emotions, so respect each other and your unique differences… without judgement.
  • Keep Your Promises – Make keeping your promises a priority and refrain from overlooking the little things.  These little promises may be small, but they go a long way towards building trust.
  • Communication – Be open and honest in your conversations and ensure you are both understood.  Each party has a need to be heard and understood, and trust is built when each party is honest.
  • Disagreements – Voice your issue and discuss privately, never in public to shame or humiliate the other person.  This will keep your lines of communication open, allow your thoughts to be voiced respectfully and ensure trust is retained.
  • Personal Growth – Take the time to work on your personal growth, which will give strength to not only you, but your relationships as well.  We all have something we need to work on… for our own well-being.

swan-2326666__340

Forgiveness is the key factor.  To forgive is not to excuse the behavior of the person that has offended you… but rather a process of allowing us to let go of anger, bitterness and resentment.  It is about us… it is about releasing yourself from the control it has over you. Forgiveness is genuine compassion for those who have wronged us and the ability to move on… for the sake of our own emotional well-being and happiness.

Trusting does not mean mistakes won’t happen.  Any relationship brings two people together with their own beliefs, ideas, emotional baggage, burdens, past history and personal perceptions.  Letting go of past transgressions is the only way to move forward and resurrect any relationship.

Letting go of the hurt and the disappointment, accepting the apology and be open for trust based on truth and love.  Time will heal… but you have the control, to control your own thoughts and actions.

I believe the significance of trust… is in yourself.  Trust that you have the ability… and the power… and the strength… to believe in yourself.  Life gives us ups and downs… but it is our choice what reactions we have and the decisions we make.  The decision is yours and you are worth it.

Take care, Karen.

“A bird sitting in a tree is not afraid of the branch breaking,

because her trust is not in the branch,

but in her own wings.”

~ tinybuddha.com 

animal-316566__340

 

It’s Not Worth The Anger or the Heartache

The year is nearly over and we are starting to think about New Year resolutions.  2019 can be the year for us to learn how to LET GO.  Let go of all the “crap”… the negative feelings… the anger building up… or the headache of our life spiraling out of control.

let-go-594531__340.jpg

How many of us get worked up over things we cannot change?  Most of us, I think.  We worry about everything… our children, our relationships, our friendships, our finances, our health.  The worry exists daily and is normal to a point, but we can control the extent to which we worry excessively.

Some form of worry is essential so we are aware of danger, giving us an understanding of others, allowing us to care, or building strategies for prevention.  It is the excess worry that I think we can shake.  If we come up with a plan by playing out any “what  if” scenario’s, the worry is challenged and can be somewhat relieved.  Challenge your own thinking and decide if the worry is affecting your health.  If it is, decide to be pro-active and let it go.

Anxiety is real and sometimes over-powering.  Sometimes we are able to manage our thoughts and feelings by shifting our mindset and focus differently.  Sometimes we need to ask our GP for help.  Take that step if it is needed.

furious-2514031__340.jpg

ANGER!  Has something happened in your life that has made you so angry that it continues to build up for many years?  Were there any incidents over Christmas with family members or friends that really annoyed you and now you feel angry?  It is not worth the anger at all.  Regardless of what has happened to you, or what someone said to you… it is not worth holding a grudge, battling feelings of contempt or a will to seek revenge.

It is just ridiculous, that we all allow differing opinions, perceptions and arguments to scar relationships.  It is only stubbornness, selfishness and a lack of empathy that causes the anger to fester within.  The anger may have started because of one single incident but as time passes and you play it over in your mind, the anger builds up for a variety of reasons that you create within your own mind.  We just need to LET IT GO.  Holding on to anger, serves no purpose whatsoever.

In fact, anger becomes debilitating over time.  It just eats away inside of you and makes you bitter.  Anger also affects your health long-term.  A build up of anger will affect your brain, your immune system and your stress hormones.  It will cause increased anxiety,  high blood pressure and headaches.  Anger has the most damaging effect on your cardiac health and it will increases your risk of heart attack and stroke.  Holding on to anger is not only needless… but necessary to let go of, for your health’s sake.

heart-3405558__340.jpg

Relationships are breaking every single day… loving relationships are ending, family break-ups and friendships destroyed.  Heartache is the end result.  We mask our heartache by staying angry… determined never to forgive.  This is so sad.  The anger serves no purpose and is harmful to your health.  When we allow ourself to forgive… a simple action within ourselves to stop feeling angry or resentful… we do feel hurt but relief.  Hurt can be dealt with, allowing closure or acceptance over time.  The constant heartache will subside when the anger is removed.

We get so worked up over little things… things we cannot change.  There are just some things we cannot control or change in our lives.   We must accept that.  People cannot be changed either.  We must learn to manage our own actions and our own reactions in our relationships and in our life in general.  This is what we do have control over.

Stop being angry with the world and holding on to the anger.  Whatever happened… just happened.  Let it go.  Apologise if you should… if you said or did something that you shouldn’t have.  Show forgiveness to others… to release yourself from the anger and resentment.  Control yourself and what you have control over.

insult-2902607__340.jpg

If you have a fractured relationship with a family member.  Repair the relationship if possible, as family is the most important part of our lives.  You can control your side of the relationship only… be nice… be respectful and be prepared to accept that you cannot control the other persons thoughts, feelings or actions.  And do not try to persuade or invite others to join you in the rampage of hateful anger against a family member… as this only reinforces anger to stay in your life.  Let go of the anger and resentment allowing relationships to be healed or accept the irrepairable outcome without contempt.

If you have friends that don’t seem to want to be friends with you.  So what!  You can control how you treat them… be nice… be respectful… but be prepared to let go and walk away if these friendships become toxic to your own health.  We all deserve real friendships yet some of these friends are not for life.  Some friends serve a purpose in our life and both parties need something from the friendship.  But sometimes things just change, we grow apart, our differences may become more prominent or we just don’t see “eye to eye” anymore.  It doesn’t matter.  Learn to accept that things do change.  Let go!

pedestrians-400811__340.jpg

Life just gets so busy… that sometimes we feel like we have been thrown under the bus.  Feeling restrained and not seeing a means of escape?  We are always busy, balancing work, children, routines, schedules, relationships, sport, health, voluntary activities, friendships, recreation and sleep.  Many of you will relate to this at some point in your lives, if not right now.

I used to feel like… and visualise myself being dragged by a rope called “life”… tied around my ankles, pulling me in and out of all my responsibilities in life.  It is exhausting and tiresome.  Recreation and “me” time became non-existent.  I am learning to treat myself as I would treat a friend or a loved one.  I am starting to get back that control in my life.  Now “I am pulling” that rope in my life… and I may have a few bumps here and there, but I choose how I manage the hurdles or challenges in my path.  I guarantee it is worth getting that control back.  It is worth kicking anger to the kerb and the heartaches will resolve.silhouette-3333895__340.png

Make a promise to yourself heading into the New Year.  “I deserve to be happy and feel whole.  I will live with purpose and let go of anger and heartaches.  I deserve to feel healthy without the stress of life getting in my way.  I control my life… my thoughts, my actions and my feelings.  I will love and cherish those important to me and treat everyone with respect.  I will accept others wanting to be a part of my life and I will accept those that choose to walk away, without resentment.  I will control only what I can and I will LET GO of everything else.  I deserve real happiness, health and contentment.”  2019 here we come!

Take care, Karen.

“Forgive others,

not because they deserve forgiveness,

but because you deserve peace.”

~ Jonathan Lockwood Huie

woman-737439__340.jpg

How to Find Peace In Our Life By Self Domination

Life is way too short to leave the key to our own happiness in someone else’s pocket.  We are responsible for our own thoughts and actions.  We cannot control other’s, nor should we even want to.  Everyone has their own opinions, but we choose how we react to them.

The moment we realise that our happiness and contentment is upon our own shoulders… life can truly begin.  Sadly we find fault in others, which seems human nature, when we should be looking within.  We all need to look within ourselves to find the answers and not rely on someone else to make us happy.

Smiley, Emoticon, Anger, Angry, Anxiety

I have found that I am starting to look at life very differently, almost philosophical, and have assumed alternate views.  I used to react to situations that were outside of my control.  I used to worry excessively and aim for happiness as if I am on a journey to find “it”.   A journey without a final destination.

When we are younger, we think that our happiness is a direct result of finding the “perfect” partner, building an exquisite home, having a child, finding the ideal job, buying our favourite car, following the latest fashion fair or finding real friendships in our lives.

The truth is we do not need someone else to find happiness in our life and we do not need materialistic objects to “complete” us.  These people and items may bring us enjoyment and a feeling of closeness or inclusiveness.  But real happiness lies within us and we have the key to our own happiness.  We need to shift our mindset and look at the bigger picture.  Then almost magically, you will see the right people drawn to you and happiness will blossom.Heart, Butterfly, Flight Path, Spring

I now choose to look within myself and change my own thoughts, feelings or actions in order to create my own contentment.  The beauty of this concept is that we can control all of this within… and we will see personal growth along the way.  We do not need to rely on other peoples conduct or behaviour, which is out of our scope.  Our own behaviour then becomes less reactive and more actionable.

We spend our lives trying to figure out who we are and what we want.  We worry about what might have been or who is “on my side” in life.  We tend to overthink situations and possible scenarios.  We can also create an issue based on our own perspective.

Perception is a powerful reality in life.  One person’s perception can be entirely in contrast to another person’s interpretation.  Right and wrong is not the issue.  Personal perceptions are just that… PERSONAL… to each individual.  We imagine things through our own perspective only.  The same situation or incident will be interpreted differently by those involved.  We are all unique and have our own emotional response and reactions.

Love, Relationship, Ice, Fire, Feelings

How many of you have had someone you trusted disappoint you?  How many of you have broken relationships or severed family ties?  How many of you feel overwhelmed with the impact these fractured relationships have had upon you?

We all have our own issues and baggage within our lives.  We are all human and a hurricane of emotions are inevitable.  If somebody says or does something which annoys or upsets you… you have the power to not react negatively and allow contempt to consume you.  Consider that you may be understanding from your own perspective only… and the other person from theirs.  Both parties can be unaware of the real situation and missing the intent of the discussion.

Forgiveness is often an understated action, if this reflects any situation in our lives.  To forgive, is to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offence, flaw or mistake.  The necessary process of forgiveness… is not to “let someone off the hook” or excuse their behaviour, ignorance or impoliteness.  Forgiveness is a process to allow our own growth and happiness.

A lot of us fail to realise that forgiveness is not about the offender, it is about us.  When we hold on to the hurt, pain, resentment or anger… it harms us far more than it harms the offender.  Forgiveness allows us to move forward without anger, contempt or seeking revenge.  This is essential to release yourself from any situation and to move forward in your own life.  Forgiveness “frees” you by taking control… and peace will remain.

Peace, Love, Harmony, Hope, Happy, Faith

We waste too much time worrying and forget to just breathe.  We need to learn how to appreciate and just “exist” in the moment.  The time has come for me… to stop the overthinking and worrying.  When I decided that I was “done” with anything that does not bring me peace, my life changed.  I feel content… I feel calmness… I feel happiness embalming me.

Then the magic begins… when you see your loved ones with a sense of adoration in you and inspiration in their own life.  Not only do they see the real you, they are inspired to become the better version of themselves as well.  It then becomes contagious.  Be yourself, love your family, appreciate your friendships, practice forgiveness, just live in the moment and peace will be the cherished outcome.

Take care, Karen.

“If you want to be happy, 

do not dwell in the past, 

do not worry about the future, 

focus on living fully in the present.”

~ Roy T. Bennett 

Love, Heart, Key, Castle